Friday 20th February
Calories: 2,920 (Must try harder)
Alcohol units: 6 (have generally returned to nun-like levels of sobriety, but even nuns would find it impossible to resist an Earl Grey Martini or three after a long day in front of an Excel spreadsheet)
In great news, am totally, hopelessly head over heels in love. In not so great news, said object of undivided affection is not tall, dark, handsome and about to sweep me off my Louboutins. In fact, new love is Caudalie Premier Cru The Elixir, a beauty product that will not be taking me on romantic mini-breaks or whisking me down the aisle anytime soon but does possess truly wondrous powers (I mean we’re talking supermodel levels of glowiness in just a week of using the stuff).
On the positive side, am obviously much closer to meeting mega-hot man with new, incredible skin. Went into office today without any foundation and horrid old battle-axe of a secretary who usually says how tired/unwell/haggard I look actually told me I looked “well”.
Was meant to go to gym tonight for Pilates and some light swooning over dreamy personal trainer, but at 6pm got called to emergency cocktails by Nina to discuss how to deal with the fact Katie’s long-term boyfriend popped up on Nina’s Tinder this afternoon. Probably did not need to drink three Earl Grey Martinis and eat four dishes of olives while reaching the conclusion that Katie’s boyfriend is a worthless loser.
Monday 23rd February
Calories: 1,245 (v. good)
Number of Beautiful Men’s Telephone Numbers Have Obtained in Beyond Cunning Plan: 1
Am complete genius. Have had brilliant brainwave that is certain to result in marriage to dreamy PT within the year.
Began week as mean to go on with 7am session on the cross-trainer which provides perfect vantage spot for gazing at dreamy PT’s biceps while he helps his PT clients do scary looking exercises with kettlebells. Suddenly realized that if I signed up for set of PT sessions I would get to spend a whole hour alone with him every week, sort of like a date but with kettlebells instead of cocktails (am blissfully ignoring all thoughts of having to actually do scary kettlebell exercises during our ‘dates’).
Didn’t even factor in incredible bonus that in order to schedule PT sessions I would be given Dreamy PT’s phone number. Am now just playing it cool and will leave it a day or so before I Whatsapp to set up first ‘date’.
Tuesday 24th February
Calories: 1,210 (Excellent)
Sum spent on Lycra: HK$5,500 (was not aware that this was even possible).
Number of minutes spent Googling ‘correct etiquette when Whatsapping Personal Trainer’: 187
Decided must take pursuit of my goal of becoming Mrs Dreamy PT more seriously, so have devised detailed plan of attack. Have booked wax, spray-tan and haircut for tomorrow. Have bought a whole new workout wardrobe. Stocked-up on waterproof make-up at lunchtime and have just spent two hours perfecting my Kim Kardashian at the gym look (not convinced about the false eyelashes but Jess assures me she read online that KK wears two sets even when on the running machine).
Popped into the Caudalie boutique in NoHo after work to buy a full-sized version of Premier Cru The Elixir (have been rather overzealously applying the sample and was terrified I’d run out and my magical supermodel skin would fade away overnight). As the Caudalie shop assistant zipped my poor, overused Credit Card through the till, she asked whether I’d tried the Premier Cru facial yet. Had no idea Caudalie even had a spa, so was pretty lost for words when I was shown to the back of the boutique and up a set of stairs to find the most deliciously luxurious mini spa, the perfect little candlelit pampering haven.
The Caudalie guardian angel has clearly got my back, as when I asked when the next free appointment was, discovered that they’d just had a cancellation for Thursday lunchtime. Snapped it up quicker than you can say ‘proposal by Christmas’.
Whatsapp’d Dreamy PT earlier to set up first session for Thursday evening. He read it and immediately went offline. Am now concerned that PT clients do not generally end messages to their trainers with kisses. And that even if they do, that seven kisses may be excessive.
Thursday 26th February
Calories: 850 (too mortified to eat, may be only good thing to have come out of day)
Today is quite possibly the worst day of my life.
Not even the world’s most heavenly facial managed to compensate for the sheer horror scene that unfolded at the gym afterwards.
After Tuesday’s nail-biting ten hour silence from Dreamy PT following the too-many-kisses slip-up, was thrilled to wake-up on Wednesday morning to PT confirmation message. Duly commenced full day of back-to-back beautifying appointments.
As dashed from hairdressers to spray tan, decided a mildly flirty message to dreamy PT should get things off to a good start. Tapped out something about being excited about showing off my snazzy new workout pants and hit send. Ten minutes later at salon, found standard issue spray-tan outfit of plastic showercap and highly unattractive paper underwear so hysterically funny that decided to Whatsapp the girls a quick spray-tan selfie. In hindsight, should maybe have found it odd that girls did not reply, but was far too busy fantasizing about huge meringue dress that I would float down aisle in en route to becoming Mrs Dreamy PT. Rest of day passed in blur of hot wax and hairspray fumes.
By the time I arrived at the Caudalie Boutique Spa at midday today, was slightly perturbed by lack of any response from Dreamy PT, but had pretty much convinced self he is just the strong and silent type. Spent fifty blissed-out minutes lying on marshmallowy spa bed, cocooned in a duvet while the Caudalie therapist worked her magic. Was scrubbed and massaged, had not one, not two but three applications of the miracle-weaving Premier Cru The Elixir and finished the whole thing off with a gel mask and head massage. Emerged onto Gough Street feeling ready to dazzle Dreamy PT.
Back to office for afternoon of modeling potential gym attire for colleagues and discussing baby names for future miniature Dreamy PT offspring.
Arrived at gym for 6pm ‘date’ at 6:03pm (on basis that gives impression of being busy and important yet prioritizing fitness). Was fairly confused when was met not by Dreamy PT, but by the Gym Manager. By 6:10pm was being escorted off the premises by Gym security having had membership revoked (I do not recall seeing in the Gym contract that mistakenly Whatsapping a photo of yourself in paper pants is grounds for membership termination) and being told in no uncertain terms that if I ever contacted Dreamy PT again, that the matter would be reported to the police.
Humiliated beyond belief, I practically sprinted away from gym towards home and managed to slam square into man holding tray of coffees covering him in scalding liquid and sending my handbag flying. Hastily grabbed at scattered contents of bag and hurried away howling ‘sorry, so sorry’ like crazed lunatic.
Day has just done a 180.
iPhone just beeped to signal new Whatsapp. Had instant wave of irrational fear that was police letting me know they’re on way to arrest me. Instead was a message from unknown number reading:
“Assume sole reason for coffee collision was to leave your business card holder behind, thus not only providing me with your telephone number, but also very pressing need to meet you to return said lost item of your property. I always feel more comfortable giving back business cards in a place that makes an excellent martini. Blue Bar tomorrow night at 8pm? x”
Now that I think of it, coffee man was definitely quite easy on the eye. In fact potentially George Clooney in a suit level easy on the eye…
WIN a Premier Cru Ultimate Anti-Aging Facial (50mins) at the Caudalie Boutique Spa on Gough Street for you and one friend! All you have to do is: Email firstname.lastname@example.org and tell us “why a Caudalie facial would make your day” and you could be blissing out with your bestie in no time! *Please enter by Sunday, 24 March, the winner will be notified by 28 March
Plus, due to popular demand, we’ve secured a few more bottles of Caudalie Premier Cru The Elxir to give away to DSTS readers. Click here to get your very own!
Stay tuned. The adventures of Ms. 852 and her mysterious coffee man continue next week…
To read The Diary of Ms. 852 – Part 1, please Click here